It Could Have Been Oh So Different
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A tongue-in cheek look back at how England could be attempting to win the World Cup for the Eighth time in succession...
1982 : Spain : Ron Greenwood’s men qualified well from their group with three wins against Kuwait, Czechoslovakia and France. A 0-0 draw against Germany meant that England had to beat Spain 2-0 to progress to the semi finals. With 30 minutes to go, Greenwood introduced his two main players, Keegan and Brooking, who were both recovering from injury. With 10 minutes remaining and Germany finalising their hotel booking for the semi final, Keegan’s perm put England in front and in injury time a Brooking free kick was flicked on by Bryan Robson for Terry Butcher to roar the ball over the line. England defeated France in the Semi Final, without the need to decapitate Patrick Battiston, before taking on Italy in Madrid, where Kevin Keegan’s glancing header gave England a narrow win and their second World Cup victory!
1986 : Mexico : After a slow start, England reached the quarter final to face Argentina and an inspired Diego Maradona. With the England team incensed, after the cheating little midfielder had handled the ball to give the Argentinean side the lead, Maradona receives the ball on the halfway line and jinks past two players brilliantly. Sensing danger using his radar ears, Peter Reid savagely hacks Maradona to the ground with a terrible high tackle, thus receiving a well earned yellow card. Maradona, however, is out of the competition with a broken chin (it was VERY high). Late in the game John Barnes comes on and transforms the performance, crossing twice for Lineker to head home to snatch a 2-1 victory and the moral high-ground. In the Semi Finals, Beardsley and Lineker put Belgium to the sword before England snatch their second World Cup finals victory in a row with a penalty shoot out victory against West Germany, the German media moaning that they never have any luck on penalties against the bloomin’ English...
1990 : Italy : Bobby Robson’s men reached the Semi finals against Germany with nemesis Argentina waiting in the final. The Germans could only watch in horror as Andreas Brehme’s deflected free kick looped over Peter Shilton and onto the top of the bar, meaning Gary Lineker’s 81st minute strike was the decisive moment of the game. Still, at least it saved the Germans losing on penalties once again. In the final, Diego Maradona promised revenge, but was sent off the field somewhat controversially for sustained cocaine use, being a cheat and tax evasion. In the final, after a first half littered with fouls, Steve Bull came off the bench to fire a hat-trick as Argentina were reduced to 3 men during a particularly combative second half.
1994 : USA : As winners, England automatically qualified for USA 1994, where, after a relatively easy progression through the group and knockout stage, they defeated Italy on penalties in a somewhat uninspiring final. Roberto Baggio’s skied penalty watched over the bar by Peter Shilton in goal, on the eve of his 71st birthday , so inspired England’s second choice keeper David Seaman that he would adopt a similar pony-tail effect a few years later. Theo Walcott, 4, was named in the squad but not used throughout the tournament.
1998 : France : England’s eventual success in France came, once again, courtesy of controversy. In their second round game with Argentina, England star David Beckham aimed a kick at Argentinean captain Diego Simeone who collapsed as if shot. The referee brandished a red card, not for Beckham, but for Simeone! Chiefly for appalling acting and the ref then popped a dummy into Beckham’s mouth and told him not to be so childish again, or he’d not get any pocket money and he’d be substituted for the 8 year old Theo Walcott, who had stopped reading “Tiddles goes to the Mortuary” to a bored Paul Scholes, to put his boots on in the hope of a game. Learning his lesson, Beckham’s last minute free kick put Argentina out and England went on to defeat Holland and Brazil before taking on France in the final. With The Sun calling on the spirit of Agincourt, Nelson and any other antagonistic patriotic figurehead who had ever had a spat with the French (and there are plenty to choose from), England snatched victory when they hit upon the clever idea of marking Zinedine Zidane from corners and tying Emmanuel Petit’s hair to the goalpost. This left Alan Shearer with the simple task of slotting home the winning penalty, given against Laurent Blanc for excessive flatulence, spotted only by an eagle eyed official sat in the International Space Station. The French claimed the English had bought the officials, England claimed the French just hadn’t offered them enough money.
2002 : Japan / South Korea : Despite having preparations for the tournament ruined somewhat by every available English born professional player going down with a broken metatarsal in the weeks leading up to the tournament, coach Sven Goran Eriksson was bullish about England’s chances of victory. Theo Walcott, now 12 and a veteran of two World Cup finals, was once again named in the squad but unused, as was Tim Wonnacott, the gap-toothed presenter of “Bargainhunt” and former Blue Peter presenter John Noakes. Tragedy struck when Noakes dog, Shep, died during the finals and was served up to the England team as a pre-match meal but the team used this as inspiration to reach the final, where two goals late in the game against Germany, scored by Richard “gnaws your toes” Madeley and the Archbishop of Canterbury handed England their sixth straight World Cup success.
2006 : Germany : England laboured somewhat to the quarter finals where they met Portugal. Michael Owen, who was almost 30% fit for the finals, put England in front but Portuguese levelled late on after England had been reduced to ten men after Wayne Rooney had emasculated Ricardo Carvalho. Team mate Ronaldo’s winking really annoying England who held on bravely in extra time to take the game to penalties. Portugal scored all four of theirs, but England responded in kind after having hit upon the idea of practising penalties before the game. The final penalty saw annoying goalkeeper Ricardo step up, however his nose became jammed in the turf and he sent the ball spiralling helplessly wide. 16 year old Theo Walcott wanted the last penalty but Sven instead turned to David Beckham who smacked the ball home from 12 yards. In the semi finals, England defeated France after Zidane tried to head butt Peter Crouch and could only nut him in the testes. The resulting penalty, again scored by Beckham, put England through to the final against Italy, where Marco Materazzi’s early opener gave the Italians hope of a shock victory. However Materazzi was sent off 30 seconds later for swearing at a group of nuns, mooning the Germany chancellor and insulting Cheryl Cole’s musical abilities. England levelled when John Terry was left unmarked at a corner (mainly because he was cunningly chatting to some of the WAG’s in the crowd) to head home and in extra time, Theo Walcott came off the bench. Sadly for Theo, it was only to throw the ball back to David Beckham who was hurriedly taking a throw in. Beckham found Gerrard who’s curling cross was nodded home by Peter Crouch wearing a truss and a pained but beatific expression...
And what does 2010 hold? I guess we will find out over the next few weeks...
